Heart to heart

via Buddha Doodles

via Buddha Doodles

Sometimes others’ words or actions cause us pain and hurt deep down.  It is easy to spend days being upset, replaying the images and words in one’s head, despising the other person for the pain they us. It’s like their seemingly harmless words have triggered something in you. Like an alarm ringing in your head that won’t turn off.

We have the power to control how we react. You have the power over your emotions. Yes, it’s hard to hear someone say something that hurts, but practise to see it differently. It isn’t necessarily an attack on you or your being, it probably wasn’t even personal, and the other person probably didn’t know how hurt you felt.

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. – Wayne Dyer

Sometimes many of the things that trigger us seem so trivial, so trifling. However, in the moment it is a trigger for a limiting belief. Like the negative scripts inside our heads that go: “I am not good enough”, “I don’t deserve good things”, “I am always rejected”, “I don’t matter”, “Others always try to control me”…

The first step to changing how we react is of course, to OBSERVE and be AWARE of:

  • the trigger (What the other person/s said or did.)
  • our feelings (eg.It makes me feel hurt, angry)
  • our thoughts (eg.They are judging me)
  • our script/negative belief that has been triggered (eg.I am not good enough as I am)
  • our reactions (eg.not talking to the other person, fighting back indignantly etc)

Once we are aware of what goes on inside us, we are able to see the situation clearly. We can then choose to react to it in a better way. Sometimes the emotions and reflex reactions are so overwhelming that though we recognise the trigger (and how it is feeding our limiting belief), we cannot control our reactions. With practise, it does get easier and more manageable. Our emotions are not here to control our behaviour. We are the one to steer them. The more you step back for a few seconds, look inside yourself, the more in control you become. Limiting beliefs are what we learnt growing up and many of these are just coping mechanisms to deal with the negativity we have faced. But it is not too late to unlearn those very scripts that make us feel hurt by others.

People only treat you the way you let them.

At other times, some people truly hurt us deeply (knowingly or unknowingly). It takes a bit more more to deal with such situations. Again, observe your thoughts, feelings and focus on your breath. You do not always need to engage. In some instances, it is important to let the other person know that it’s not OK for them to say certain things (in a calm manner). At other times it is important to have an open heart to heart discussion about how their words or actions make you feel. Choose what works for you depending on the situation. At times, the most difficult conversations can be made easier by being calm, direct and expressing your feelings and telling the other how their words/actions makes us feel, instead of telling them that their actions are wrong.

This is a healthier approach to sensitive situations. Remember: Observe and feel your emotions, work through them, find that place of peace and calm within you to let it go. If need be, from that place of calmness, open your heart to the other person. And let the magic begin.

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